Om pour femme

Now and then you will have suffered me burbling on about being a Buddhist. Well, actually I'm no more a Buddhist than the pope - although he hangs out with monks. The reason I say that I'm not one is that I'm just too jingle jangle desire driven. Anyway - last night on the good old BBC I watched a programme all about Buddhists fronted by a lady called Bettany Hughes. What I loved about her was that she is a real woman - and apparently has a normal proper figure. She has a kinda finger in the chocolate -"ooh it's so sticky" Nigella Lawson style. If ever they bring out a "Grub of the Gods" TV show I think this lady should be dipping her spoon in the warm honey and asses' milk crumble. I can just see Gilles edging up closer to the screen. As for the Buddhism, well- I've always given it a good go. Many years ago I worked with a guy who I thought was a real transcendental. He told me about the Buddha and one day to help me he gave me one of his home made cakes. The rest of the shift just passed in a buzz of of unwordly pleasure. We were working in a mattress factory and if you bought anything that I made that day I'm just so sorry if your bed collapsed or if all your discs slipped out. I don't know if I went to Nirvana but I reckon I got to one of the suburbs and would have got there if all the bus drivers hadn't been stoned.


I have hired a car. It has French number plates. Suddenly, no tail gating, no drama swerve overtaking - I just drive along and everyone thinks I'm one of them. In my poor old Britmobile every Frenchman sees me as a chance to re run the battles of Agincourt, Trafalgar and the sinking of the French fleet by Winston Churchill. Instead of a GB sticker I have a white flag. Road accident figures are far higher in France than in the UK with a far lower traffic density. They've got some balls though - I'll give 'em that. The lady in the hire car office was fantastic. Even though I speak in normal French every day of my life, she saw my UK licence and reverted to sign language, mime,TALKING VERY LOUDLY and pointing. I took to nodding, turning down the corners of my mouth and shrugging. Who needs language?


How do you know about wines? In Asda in the UK there's a lady called Philipa who writes stuff on the back of their bottles. Very often she says "good with sausage". In France some bloody poets have been given the job and you can have softly fruity or mellow with hints of fruity bramble. I stand there for ages trying to choose. One day I'll pick up a Premier Cru Bordeaux and it will say "Bon avec saucisse". If it's under 3 Euros I'll buy it.


Emma thinx: Language -the rough translation of intuitive understanding.