Thursday, 18 December 2014

A Complete Waste Of Space

I do not wish to offer any political opinion about right or left but neither do our political leaders. The vile jeering mob which we call the mother of parliaments, is put forward to more "backward" countries  as a blueprint for government that all should follow. Do we seriously believe that? Do we accept that our political leadership indulges in a self satisfied game of name calling and school yard sneering in our name? They sure don't do it on my behalf.

Yesterday the Prime Minister, the Right Honourable David Cameron MP informed his opponent Ed Miliband that he was a "complete waste of space". This embarrassing piece of bullying was accompanied by a chorus of chortling and jeering from his supporters. Seemingly, this is how we are led. This is democracy at work. This is analysis and debate!

Many of us have children. Many adults work with young people. How do we translate this kind of behaviour to them? Do we explain that this is just routine name calling and theatrical insulting of an opponent. Do we express our shame as experienced adults that this is a done in our name? Do we tell them to man up and learn themselves to call people names and jeer with the mob at others in order to dominate? Do we tell them to puff themselves up and treat all others as inferiors?

Recently I have been writing a small series of books for children. I have tried to use the "fairy tale" concept of the little guy coming good and the idea that it is wrong to be unkind, rude or to deride others. In the final tale "Kool Kid Kruncha" a small boy who is a bit different is called names by a contemptuous mob led by a bully. I try to show my young readers this is not the way to go. Probably my simple ideas are a complete waste of space. 


Emma Thinx: Leader - never stand still when the mob is behind you.  





Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Emma's Spare Tyre Tummy Award For La Fenice Eastleigh

 Cibo Delizioso
A few miles to the north of Southampton lies the small town of Eastleigh. For me it has always been a unique gem of Britain. It is rightly famous for being the home town of the Spitfire fighter plane. It was once a hub of steam locomotive manufacture in the huge railway engine sheds. Rows of red brick terraced houses, a park with a bandstand and a legacy of factories make Eastleigh the kind of picture a modern Lowry would paint.

Trial by lens hood. Editor demanded a close up. 
As yet it remains undiscovered by the London commuting class. Yet, it is only an hour away from Waterloo station. Recently it has become famous for the demise of its Member Of Parliament and government minister, Chris Huhne. He was sent to prison for getting his wife to accept driving license points for his speeding offence to avoid a ban. Dear me! such vile wickedness in this world. Can you believe it? Anyway, since then it has become a marginal "swing state" political battleground with the UK Independence Party  Farage balloon tethered over the borough to repel foreign aircraft. For  my American readers I guess I could say UKIP is a kind of Republican Tea Party but with beer and cigarettes. 

So - once we hit Spring and elections in Eastleigh there will be
Real shops. Real town.
media with hordes of great and good politicos strutting the streets and holding babies/puppies/kittens/pints of beer. I've already planned my campaign of standing behind famous people and waving my books as the cameras roll. When all the words have been said, contradicted, twisted and re-said it will be time to eat. My advice - make for La Fenice in the High Street. I ate there on 22nd November with family. It was late but they fitted us in and served the most wonderful Italian food with an authentic ambiance. It is a family run business with a genuine friendliness. The pasta is all
Wot - no cars? A typical Lowry
freshly made and there is a superb menu choice. With a starter and wine for five persons it cost £105 for the best Italian food any of us had tasted. Eastleigh is gonna be BIG on the map. I urge David Cameron and his government to book their tables today at La Fenice to avoid disappointment. 

Emma Thinx: Why are they called speeding points when they loiter for years?






Thursday, 4 December 2014

ONCE UPON A NOW - fairy tales for #children - launch #Giveaway #Kindle pic.twitter.com/7jhRxZ4PlH



Well, today's the day. I've had children, I was a child myself ( do writers ever grow up?) and I still like them. As a kid I loved to listen to stories and today I'm launching my own series of children's books.

The Fairy tale retains its potency because it still speaks truth, hopes and dreams. I've approached some modern day situations exploring contemporary dilemmas and issues that confront young folk.


These chapter-book stories are aimed at young readers, in the 7-10 year age group.  The books are all illustrated in a modern anime-style by talented artist Miko Abellera from the Philippines. This young guy has a real Wow style. He gets right in there in a special way. He's got a great career ahead of him.

Each book features unique links and scannable QR codes to take readers of both paperback and e-books to bonus material such as audio and video clips, downloadable photos and colouring pictures to enrich the reading experience.

All the books are also available in audio book format - delightful recordings by the poet Oscar Sparrow, who brings the stories to life in his own inimitable style. He also composed the words for the National Anthem of Zanubia which he sings in Alf The Workshop Dog. Well - singing may not be quite the word. I'd love to hear your opinions. 


Ideal as stocking fillers or pocket money purchases!


How could a scruffy dog in a bus depot and the call of crows, link back to another world of power and love?

The ancient Kingdom of Zanubia and a stray dog looking for scraps in an inner-city repair garage, hold the secret. 

A wicked king, a beautiful girl, a young prince and the struggle between right and wrong maintain the fable tradition.






There's something strange in the woodshed...

A poor little girl in a faraway land dreams of riding a pink bicycle. When she meets a strange animal, her dreams come true. Her happiness turns to sadness when a tragedy occurs in the town and her father doesn't come home.


Maybe her new magic friend can find him?


Charlie finds it tough when his parents divorce - but Auntie Kate helps him overcome his greatest fear.

When Charlie has to move from the country into the city, he needs new friends. With his small size and red hair, some people aren't kind to him. 

He wonders if he can face another day at school.

A trip to the circus gives him the strength to see himself and others in a new way.




To set the launch off with a bang I'm hosting a giveaway on Rafflecopter - something to really get your reading tastebuds fired up - first prize is a brand new 6" KINDLE TOUCHSCREEN! 

Nothing complicated required for entry and plenty of options to qualify for for extra goes.  If you don't want the latest Kindle, you can opt for a CASH alternative too. Oh - and I'll be giving away some books as prizes too, as you'd expect.   The draw is on the 17th December 2014 - so don't hang around to enter.





Find all the full details on my new ONCE UPON A NOW CLUB website or enter the Rafflecopter draw below:


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Sunday, 30 November 2014

Shaving Soap Opera. Mo More @Movember @HitLitPro pic.twitter.com/AIEZ23wYBb

Shaving soap opera: It's over.  It's not you - it's me. You're always there. You're part of me but I need space for myself.
Mo More Movember. The party is over. Call in the guys from Disney, string up the violins. A defenceless hairy creature faces the chop. Yes it's the end of the line for the tash. Both Oscar and I have agreed that despite its value as a foolproof contraceptive, the furry beast is coming off. I've decided I just don't write enough about kissing. Once the thing is gone I'm gonna grab him for a snogathon and report back. If some good woman had shaved off Stalin and Hitler maybe they would have had more pleasure and focused on better things in life.

It has been an interesting month. A procession of visitors both French and English have offered opinions on the thing. It's a strange thing to loiter about while various women discuss whether your man is more or less attractive with or without. Oscar preens and struts offering trial kisses.

I've been fascinated by the vocabulary around the tash. Words like distinguished, sexy, aristocratic and artistic actually mean mad looking scruffy old goat. One lady said it made him look more like a poet. When I questioned her she admitted what she meant was mad looking scruffy old goat. 

In rural France most males are in a permanent tash cycle between periodic shaves. In colder weather the period is often extended to fit in with other toiletry procedures. It's a job to know who has a tash and who hasn't.
Get in the mood. Slip something satisfying in your stockings


So - there it is. Now it's back to lining up on Runway One for Christmas. I've started already with a big turkey fest for all the family I won't be seeing on the day. The tree is a treat, the pies are mincing, the prezzies are piling. And guess what I'm giving as little stocking gifts? YES - it's the Hit Lit Pro Movember Anthology  "Let's Hear It For The Boys". Go on girls - slip one in with his bag of nuts and help to keep him healthy.


Emma Thinx: The tash: you don't know what you've snot 'til its gone. 





Wednesday, 26 November 2014

Tickled Pink By Barbara's Whiskers @HitLitPRo pic.twitter.com/XeS2X3e120 #Movember #charity #novel

Pink lady with the heart of a wing commander
The colour pink for me means Barbara Cartland, the romantic novelist. She was a deeply conservative ultra posh lady who became Princess Diana's step grandmother I think. Apparently she did not get on with Diana and was not invited to her marriage with Charles. My personal recollection of her was when she said:

"I have the body of a young girl. I haven't got a single line on my body. I often think I should be photographed naked"

Well, she was only 95 at the time. In fact I don't have a single line on my body. All of mine are at least double or triple lines. I think I should be photographed by naked photographers. 

She was a Dame Commander of the British Empire and a knight of the order of Saint John. She wrote  a huge number of novels and holds the Guinness Book Of Records title for the most novels published in a year - 23 titles in 1983. It makes NaNoWriMo look pretty limp. In all she sold 1000 million books, mainly romances but also about the health benefits of honey and vitamins. 

But, her writing was but a small part of the story. She is also credited with inventing the idea of towing gliders behind powered aircraft as a means of defeating Nazi Germany on D day. It is widely rumored that in in order to convince the Air Ministry of her discovery, she wore a wing commander mustache. Quite simply the top brass would not take her seriously dressed in pink chiffon. This is one of the great untold stories of World War 2. Anyone doubting the truth of this should check out the 1984 Bishop Wright Air
Barbara had balls enough to fly gliders
Industry Award
which acknowledges her contribution. 

The woman was a marvel. She was involved in racing cars and brought out an album of love songs recorded with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. Reading her life story is an inspiration. Just think - all her heroines were gasping horrified virgins. Now that's where I've been going wrong!

Now, Babs is the last of my hairy honeys. All of these women lived in the daring spirit of Movember. Now you can do your bit and buy the bloody book. Let's Hear It For The Boys




Emma Thinx: Every candy floss is heavy with a child's hope.

Thursday, 20 November 2014

Who's Afraid of Virginia's Mustache? @HitLitPro @MovemberUK @Movember pic.twitter.com/HNXerUkWRH

When things got dark and hairy Mo Sista Virginia was a lighthouse.
Some things my friends are stranger than fiction. My bearded lady this week is none other than pinnacle of intellectual writers - Virginia Woolf.

Now, I must confess that her style was a bit high brow for me. I did read "To The Lighthouse" a few years ago when I was considering applying to join a Novelists' Association as a virginal novice supplicant. I knew my lack of lit-cred could be a problem. Her book is said to be the prime distillation of modernist genius. It's about visiting a lighthouse, or not, or why.  I realised quite early that I was a thicko or at least a neo-post-modernist material girlie philistine.  I knew I needed to improve myself and battled on with "Mrs Dalloway". It was all about a woman planning a party. Dear me - it was so so so deep into party planning. In the end I shelved the Literary Association ambitions and learned to self publish. I knew my place.
Mo-Sista Virginia is on the far left posing as an Abyssinian Royal


Although not educated enough to really understand her books or even my own split infinitives, I got to like the woman. She had an outrageous sense of fun. She was also involved in one of the first ever Movember stunts. In 1910 Virginia took part in the famous Dreadnought hoax with a group of other intellectuals. Posing as a group of Abyssinian Royals they bluffed their way onto the flagship of the Royal Navy, HMS Dreadnought. All manner of ceremonies and gun salutes were played out in their honour. Virginia herself sported a full beard. Now - that's my sort of high brow! Me -  I just wander about in Walmart with a false mustache. Sad thing is - no one notices. 

To be serious, she was a troubled soul who took her own life. Let's not forget that the Movember charity is also very involved with mental health issues. SO......

DOWNLOAD OUR BLOODY BOOK. You'll get a good read and do some good.

http://www.smarturl.it/LetsHearItForTheBoys





Emma Thinx: When lovin' is a must, sistas got a stash.

Sunday, 16 November 2014

Mustache On The Orient Express @HitLitPro @MovemberUK @Movember #Charity #book

Agatha on 30th Movember 1926. 
Agatha Christie was one the world's greatest crime writers. From Miss Marple to Hercule Poirot she created some of the most enduring detective heroes of literature.

Far greater than anything she wrote was the story of her own disappearance on December 3rd 1926. This remains the greatest of her mysteries. Many learned books have been written about what may have happened. It is known that her car was found abandoned in Surrey, a county of southern England. Ten days later she was uncovered at an hotel in Harrogate, Yorkshire - a point hundreds of miles to the north. She was staying there in disguise. In the meantime the entire British police service and the general public were looking for her. The first ever aerial search in Britain was carried out over the area where her car had been found.


David Suchet as Hercule Poirot
Photographic evidence that has just come into my possession has revealed the true reason for her disappearance. Only now can I expose the facts. Yes - she had grown a mustache. The date of her disappearance is significant. She had grown her new friend during the month of Movember. At the end of the month her friends and publishers knew that her adoring public would never accept her new persona. In those days sistas had fewer life options. Her marriage was on the rocks and her mustache was her only friend and link to the true love of her life - Hercule Poirot whom she had met on the blank page of life in 1920. It was classic Pygmalion complex. Her mustache was a homage to her famous detective. Rather than lose the mustache, she ran away to Yorkshire. It was one place where she could hope for acceptance.


But why Yorkshire? Come on folks - it's just so obvious my dear Watson. Harrogate was a watering hole of the Brontë Sistas, who published their original stories and poems under male pseudonyms. This was a place where scribe-sistas routinely took on the personas of men.  It's all so clear when  a great detective translates the clues. There will be a meeting of everyone involved in the dining car later but you guys reading this, need not attend. 

Orient Express dining car. Her clue could reveal a detective's identity



A dull thud broke the silence at Calin Towers
In the meantime a mysterious thud brought the maid running out into the hall at Calin Towers. Fearing that yet another murdered aristocrat had tumbled down the stairs it was a fantastic surprise to see an Amazon parcel filled with the tactile real book editions of "Let's Hear It For The Boys". Now I can get on up and get out there on the trail. Let's jam a copy under a few noses and see the results. If a picture is worth a thousand words it follows that a few thousand words are gonna be worth a picture with some celeb' who secretly longs to meet me. Schimples.

Buy our bloody book etc ....... 

Emma Thinx: Tall stories show their legs in shorts.