|Cop on the cover - definitely NOT undercover!|
I could not believe my ears. I was driving along listening to "Woman's Hour " on the BBC radio. The presenter announced the result of the latest official sex survey in the UK. People are having less and less sex! They are having less sex than in Victorian times which was before evolution had provided polite ladies with any orgasmic bits. (Didn't they have hands or curiosity?)
The official reason is that the tablet and the smart phone are our true love mates. We even play with them in bed. The result is that on average folk are doing it THREE TIMES A MONTH.
Now, without shocking you with my domestic survey stats I feel I can speak as an active writer of Romantica. The production process requires a fair bit of imaginative role play. Serious academic literary critics call this unashamed erotic fantasy. You can imagine the state of me at the end of a hard day. Three times a month wouldn't get me through a couple of scrappy chapters of drugs, crime and car chases. I've always wondered why writing about sex makes me feel sexy but writing about burglary doesn't make me want to steal other people's televisions.
At once I realised something had to be done. I had to save the British nation from further decline. I knew it would be impossible to convince lovers not to take their digital devices to bed. Of course the answer was simple; supply everyone with a free copy of Passion Patrol 2. It wouldn't be long before the manhood of Britain would rise up and the ladies would lie back and think of England as they did in the time of sexy Queen Victoria.
And, if you believe the reviews it's a thumping good tale of action, crime, love and sexual pleasure set in the crucible of race, class and wealth of modern Britain.
Emma Thinx: The idea of free love is for those who've never loved.